I never had the honor of speaking with Dr. Bernard Nathanson,but someone once told me that he asked Dr. Nathanson about his remorse after performing thousands of abortions. Many of us that used to work in the abortion industry are frequently criticized for our public “lack of remorse.”
Dr. Nathanson explained to this man that if he actually allowed himself to feel the depth of his remorse, he wouldn’t be able to live with the pain. I would say that’s really accurate for most of us who have once lived and walked in those hallways of evil. I’m not sure my heart would take the pain if I really allowed myself to feel what I had done.
Have you ever watched one of those crime shows where they interview a prisoner who murdered someone? Recently, I watched one about a man who had killed a young woman. He had since become a Christian while in prison and the remorse for the life he had taken was so evident. He could hardly even talk about her. It was difficult for him to maintain his composure. Well, imagine that type of remorse times thousands and thousands. We were the worst kind of serial killers, those that killed children.
Then one day, after years of living in foolishness and evil, we turn it around. We rise above our pride and admit we were wrong. We lose our friends, we are called names, we start over, but we know it’s worth it. It is not easy, but it is right.
We repent from our sins and we feel a sense of peace and joy that has never been in our heart before. Brokenness is also there too and a stinging feeling of remorse that won’t leave. I remember wondering if the brokenness and remorse would ever lessen. Would it ever leave? It doesn’t. It is a constant reminder of who you were and what you have done. But now, I am thankful for the reminder because it keeps me focused, passionate, and most of all, praying.
For some of us, we go on to have normal 9 to 5 jobs and live our lives in the privacy of family and friends. Some of us live our lives in the public. I know I am called to work full time in the fight. I didn’t know that at first, but God revealed that to me in a big way, thanks to Planned Parenthood’s media release.
For those of us whose conversions are public, many look at us as heroes, but we’re not heroes. I know I’m not. How could we be? We look around us and see people who have been fighting in this movement for years; they are heroes. We are criminals. We deserve punishment, not awards. We deserve to be cast out, not accepted. We don’t deserve forgiveness, but we seem to receive it anyway.
Every day of my life I think about the women I co-operated in stealing from. I co-operated in stealing their motherhood. I helped to devalue them, to break their confidence, and I betrayed them. How I wish I could look into every one of their faces and tell them how sorry I am.
If I could restore only a small portion of what I took from them, I would give my life to make it happen. I wish I could be there to wipe their tears when they mourn for their lost child. To know that you committed a terrible wrong that you can’t make right is one of the most desperate feelings in the world.
As desperate as I feel, I can’t make those wishes come true. I do my best every day to make it up to those women and their children. I failed them once, but I won’t do it again. I know they haven’t forgotten their children, I haven’t either.
For the lives I had a part in ending, ‘I’m sorry’ just seems hollow to even say. How do you apologize for aiding in the killing thousands of children and wounding thousands of families? I’m not sure I have an answer, but I am so sorry.
I’m sorry to the women I coerced into having an abortion. I’m sorry to every woman who has ever had an abortion; you may never hear those words from the person who performed your abortion, but I want you to hear it from me on behalf of that doctor or clinic worker.
I am sorry they betrayed you. I am sorry they broke your spirit and your trust. I am sorry they hurt you. I am sorry they didn’t have the courage to stand up for you and what you really deserved, the chance to be a mother to your child.
We abused and disrespected you in the worst possible way. I am sorry. So many people probably disappointed you; friends, family, your church community, coworkers, and maybe others. I apologize on behalf of them as well.
I’m guilty of selling abortion to my family, friends, coworkers, and even people I worship with. We should have stood up for you and your child. I am so sorry we let you down in the worst possible way. You deserved better than what we offered you.
The extent of my remorse, sorrow, and grief runs very deep. I could never even begin to share it all with you on a blog. I’m not even sure I am aware of how deep it runs, but it’s here, reminding me of the life I once had and how hard I must now work.
I am only able to handle the pain of my past with the help of Christ. I couldn’t do any of this without His grace and His steady hand guiding me every day. He has never given me more than I can bear. I have never felt overwhelmed. I see His love and compassion for me everywhere I look. It is the most amazing feeling of peace and wholeness. I don’t have to wonder if He’s with me because I know He is, and He’s guiding my every step.
I am a BIG sinner. I am far from a perfect pro-lifer. I would say I am a mediocre Christian. I am definitely not the best wife and no one has nominated me for “Mother of the Year.” I always fail at having a perfect day, but I keep trying.
I guess I want you to know that I am working really hard to make things right. I can’t take away the pain I have caused, but I can promise to dedicate my life and my heart to this movement. I won’t ever give up on these children. My heart is here and it is healing.
Dear sister in Christ,
None of us are perfect, we are all sinners. Praise God for the epiphany you had. You have such strength and courage to do what you do. It is clear that the Holy Spirit has enlightened you and caused your conversion from working at PP to being a pro-lifer. As a future professional pro-lifer, you are one of my heroes. I heard you speak at the SFLA conference in January and I will never forget your speech. Keep up the good fight Abby!
On another note, welcome home to the fullness of the faith 😀 Catholic for life!!
http://prolifeintn.blogspot.com/2011/04/making-it-to-other-side-of-fence-why-i.html
this lady was inspired by you after seeing you on TV she bought your book. thought you might be interested in reading her testimony
Thank you for sharing from your heart.
You found your mission, Abby, and that is quite a moment of grace. Oh, all will not be sweet, but that was not the promise. To have such clarity and passion for something intrinsically good is to taste a bit of Heaven. Praying for you as you press on. May your days include sweet moments of grace to keep hope and love and passion alive.
Abby-Thank you for your willingness to talk openly about your pain. Saving knowledge of Christ does not come until we fully realize that it is only by His grace we are saved. We are ALL sinners, and we cannot trust in our good works to save us. The only work we can trust in is Christ’s finished work on the cross. We can’t trust our religion to save–no matter what religion we ascribe to. God has used you in a mighty way. All glory ti HIM.
You are in my prayers. I hear your soul through your words; so know that you are touching many. You may never get over the grief, but letting it out touches so many. Stay strong sister…you inspire me.
The Divine Mercy flows for all of us mired in sin, especially when we are contrite and when we make amends….which is clearly the case with you and your testimony. May God continue to bless you, heal you, and use you for the glory of His Holy Name and for the salvation of many souls…and I pray the countless souls of those little ones lost to abortion will keep us strong in the battle against the culture of death. Blessed John Paul the Great, pray for us! Amen!
Abby,I was not expecting to start my day with tears running down my cheeks. The apologies were breath taking and heart wrenching at the same time. I am in the process of healing from my abortion that happened over 25 years ago. Your blog today was another step in my healing. What was meant for evil, God will use for His glory. Thank you Abby. Thank you.
While I cannot directly relate to your experience with abortion, I cannot tell you how many times I have said these very words to myself. We all feel this. We all feel lost, burdened and unforgivable. I find myself ashamed daily that people might possibly look at me and see a faithful person. I fall short so often. But I can say that we admire you and consider you a “hero” as you say, because you said a big “Yes” to Christ and what He was calling you to, and we see you continue to do so every day. This is all we have to give our God whom we owe so much, and you give it with all of your heart. One of my favorite parts of the mass is just before we receive when we declare “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” This ultimate gift of Himself heals us from the inside out.
How could we ever apologize to Him for what we have done? How can we ever apologize for what we have done to others? We cannot, but you have made an incredible effort to show your contrition and to help repair the damage. Those children will never experience life, but how many in the last years have you to thank for their first breath? Keep letting God work through you and we’ll continue to see you as a champion for Christ because you point us to Him. God bless you Abby, and don’t allow yourself to fall into despair over your past actions, but trust in His mercy and move forward. There is no better place to do this than the Church, and we welcome you with wide open arms. Thank you for your resounding Yes to Christ.
Peace be with you
Beautifully written 🙂
Thank you for sharing. God Bless!
Abby,
God be with you. May the love of Jesus heal you. You too were a victim. You were a victim of PP and of the abortion culture in general. You had the good sense and the courage to turn away from that culture to the culture of life. You’re doing a lot of good now.
This was breathtaking. I hate that you have had to go through this. But, you are on fire for the Lord and look at how many lives you have saved! Whether you see it or not, YOU ARE A HERO! Praying for you!
Sweet Abby–
You are more than everything in your past, and I applaud your courage. As I read your words, scripture popped into my head so I will share.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But, he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I will delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
You are living out scripture in your life right now and God is shining brightly through you. Everything in your past has brought you here, and you are honoring the Lord. He forgives you freely. When you start to get caught up in all the reason’s why you think you should not be forgiven—it is Satan creeping into your thoughts—learn to recognize that. You are valued, you are loved and you are worthy of forgiveness.
My pro-life story takes a different form than yours, but just as yours–I have felt God calling me to be transparent and willing to open myself up to what He has planned. My story is about IVF and embryos–. I am just starting down this path. I had to deal with my own choices and beyond. We will see where he leads. I just started a blog—-www.lifebeyondivf.com
Last thing, if you need a good daily devotional—I suggest Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It is plain amazing. 🙂
Much Love,
Tanni
Abby, may you continue to be comforted by the infinite mercy of Christ. And thank you for sharing this. It helps to get a little peak into your heart, and inspires all of us to re-examine our methods and our motives-even if we have been pro-lifers all of our lives.
p.s. – I had you sign a book for my 85 year old mother when you were here in Iowa. Thank you so much. She can no longer be so “actively” involved in the pro-life movement, but you can be assured that she prays for the mothers and children, and for you. And you have offered her hope.
If you have not had the opportunity to learn about offering up your suffering, ask around. Your post is beautifully written, and very moving. You have a terrible burden to bear, but offer it to Christ and he can use it to his ends. Keep up the fight, and WELCOME to his church!!!!
“Although my memory’s fading, I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.” — John Newton (Amazing Grace)
Abby, I want to share the words to a song by Tenth Avenue North with you. God has used it in my life and I hope it will help you:
YOU ARE MORE
by Tenth Avenue North
There’s a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered
And the shame she can’t hide
She says, “How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was.
And I’m crippled by the fear
That I’ve fallen too far to love”
But don’t you know who you are,
What’s been done for you?
Yeah don’t you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling
That it’s not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she’s rehearsed all the lines
And so she’ll try to do better
But then she’s too weak to try
But don’t you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.
‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.
Bless you for your stand. You are not a BIG sinner – you are a saint, God’s delight and He is crazy about you!
Exsultet: Oh happy fault, oh necessary sin of Adam, which gained for us so great a redeemer. The greater the sin the greater the redeemer! Rest in that, it is sufficient 🙂
Abby, thank you so much for opening yourself up and exposing yourself like this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is. Before I got to the part where you wrote that you are not a hero, I was thinking, “This woman is a true hero that our children need to emulate!” I looked up the word “hero”, and you ARE one. Def: an illustrious warrior; a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities; one who shows great courage. You ARE a warrior shining brightly. You ARE admired for your pro-life achievements and your noble qualities. And in my opinion, above all, you have shown GREAT courage. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but don’t forget about King David. He wasn’t a hero for what he did with Bathsheba, but he WAS a hero for repenting wholeheartedly for his sin. God bless you, Abby. Keep up the good work. You have no idea how many people are inspired by your choice to do RIGHT.
Abby-That was absolute breath taking! Thank you for you dedication…thank you for you honesty…thank you for allowing Christ to change your life! You are an inspiration! Keep fighting the good fight!! Sending many blessings and lots of prayers!
I also suggest an awesome book by Fr.Jacques Philippe “Searching for and maintaing Peace” I think you will greatly enjoy it!
Dearest Abby,
I am with you.
Thank you,
Jewels
Abby,
Your words reached a spot in my heart today and touched me profoundly. I was once lied to, manipulated, and coerced into an abortion when I was a pregnant 19 year old and went to Planned Parenthood for help. No one defended me. No one helped me. For certain, no one connected to Planned Parenthood has ever apologized…until today. Thank you for having the courage to apologize. I know it wasn’t easy for you to do.
My healing began nearly a decade ago. I still protect myself with a defensive emotional wall that few have ever breached. Today, your apology breached my defenses and brought tears of more healing. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are making a difference.
Blessings and warm cyberhugs to you, beloved sister in Christ.
Laurie
What satan intended for destruction, God is now using for His glory. Not to make light of what the industry in which you were involved, but you wouldn’t have such a large platform now for good had you not worked in that industry.
I believe God is going to use you to save more lives than were lost when you previously counseled women about abortions.
Dear Abby – as a new Catholic, not sure if you’re familiar with the apparitions of Our Lady in Medjugorje – You have Mother in Heaven who is here to help us! This is her message from TODAY (every 2nd and 25th of the month)Latest Special Medjugorje Message, May 2, 2011 – Our Lady’s apparitions to Mirjana
Mirjana during an apparition ^
“Dear children; God the Father is sending me to show you the way of salvation, because He, my children, desires to save you and not to condemn you. That is why I, as a mother, am gathering you around me, because with my motherly love I desire to help you to be free of the dirtiness of the past and to begin to live anew and differently. I am calling you to resurrect in my Son. Along with confession of sins renounce everything that has distanced you from my Son and that has made your life empty and unsuccessful. Say ‘yes’ to the Father with the heart and set out on the way of salvation to which He is calling you through the Holy Spirit. Thank you. I am especially praying for the shepherds, for God to help them to be alongside you with a fullness of heart.
Abby, My heart breaks for you. Just know that our GOD is a GOD of second chances. You are using that chance for His glory. Accept not only His forgiveness but forgive yourself. In Christ, Mark
How appropriate after Divine Mercy Sunday. Thank you for the apology Abby. You are right, for many your apology will be the only one they will ever get. Having lost a brother or sister to abortion…I thank you for that. Just know that God’s resurrection is always greater than death. You are my sister in Christ and you shall rise with him just as you have died with him but offering your will to him.
Abby, thank you for your openness and honesty. You write: “We are criminals. We deserve punishment, not awards. We deserve to be cast out, not accepted. We don’t deserve forgiveness, but we seem to get it anyway.”This is not just true of those involved in abortion, it’s true of all of us. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”. I think of the quote by C.S. Lewis: “Every story of conversion is the story of a blessed defeat.”
you are okay in my book!
I agree with Craig. I am in awe of how God uses the most evil thing in our world, abortion, as a catalyst to bring so many of us closer to him. 40 Days for Life has done this for me. Your conversion will advance the pro-life cause exponentially, as did Dr. Nathanson’s.
Please don’t bleed too much… When you confess your sins, God sees you as clean, and the grime and dirt are moved to the cross.
Christ said go and sin no more, this enables us Christians to try again despite what we may have done in the past.
Dear Abby,
The incredible thing now is that your ‘yes’ to God is allowing Him to use you as an incredible instrument to touch hearts all over the country.
The 40 DAYS FOR LIFE movement is also growing everywhere and hearts and minds are being turned to the knowledge that God is the Author of Life and that the unborn child is a person that has a right to live.
We know the march to the death camp starts long before and planned parenthood is happy to put girls on that march with their low dose birth control pills and so on. They do it with lies and the promotion of ‘sex education’ to indoctrinate the young into sinful ways at an early age. It is so insidious and demonic that words cannot really speak the enormity of it.
But now you are shining the Light of Christ into those dark protected places that PP occupies. Keep it up! Don’t let up!
And, for you now, there is truly a path of holiness in front of you. Keep walking on it.
Ave Maria!
Abby,Remember the conversion of Saul. He started as a zealous persecutor of Christians and ended as a witness to God and Christ.
I have also been given the book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young from a dear friend. It was when I could no longer bear the agonizing burden of abortion’s existence in our world. I wailed like a helpless baby, and laid all my grief and anguish at Christ’s feet. I asked the Lord to by my strength, because in reality I had none. Do read “Jesus Calling,” if nothing more than for the sweet affirmations of Christ’s presence in our lives and His firm, but gentle calling for us to work towards Him.
“I say to you, that even so there shall be joy in heaven upon one sinner that doth penance, more than upon ninety-nine just who need not penance.”
I think that joy applies on earth, too. The greater the sin, the greater the repentance. The greater the repentance, the greater the joy.
Abby,
God will console your tears, because he loves you, and he knows how contrite you are. Keep on fighting. Never give up!