Right now, my uterus is empty, but it hasn’t always been empty. It has been full of life three times. However, I have only given birth once. I have aborted two of my own children.
I didn’t think long and hard about the decision to abort my children. I wish I could say I did, but that would be a lie. I wonder if my first child was a boy or a girl. What about my second? My daughter talks about having brothers, could she be talking about the children I have aborted?
I hope that when I meet God in heaven, He will grant me the opportunity to see my two children, to hold them for the first time, to be their mother. I don’t deserve that opportunity, but I pray that God will show me mercy and allow me just a few moments with them.
I thought it would be easy. I thought I would never think about them again. I thought I would always be proud of my decision to choose abortion. I used to be proud of my abortions. I thought I was exercising my “right to choose.”
I didn’t see that I had killed my children. I wasn’t able to see that. If I had seen it, then I would’ve been forced to own up to the truth. It would force me to admit my mistake.
I look at my 4 year old daughter now and wonder if my children would have looked like her. I wonder if they would have been stubborn like me. I don’t know. That’s something I won’t ever know. How many chances to say, “I love you” have I missed? How many good night kisses have been lost because of my decision? How many people have been hurt because of my choice?
My parents didn’t know until it was too late. That wasn’t fair. The rest of my family didn’t know. My friends didn’t know. I never gave anyone a chance to help me, to give me sound counsel. At the time, I didn’t want it. I must have thought I knew what was best, but honestly, I don’t remember much about it at all.
I had my first abortion when I was 20 years old, only 10 years ago, but it feels like it was 50 years ago. That memory is so foggy. I try so hard to remember that day. I want to remember. How old was my baby? What was the name of the clinic? What did the doctor look like? What did the nurse’s face look like? How long was I there? Did I talk to the other girls who were waiting to have an abortion?
I just don’t seem to be able to remember any of it. Is God protecting me from that memory? I wish He wouldn’t. I want to remember. All I seem to be able to recall is how easy it was. It shouldn’t be so easy to kill your child.
My second abortion was not so easy, but it didn’t convince me that abortion was wrong; it just convinced me that MEDICATION abortion was wrong. I was a strong advocate for all women choosing surgical abortion over medication abortion. It actually became a joke in my clinic. Abortion became a joke… disgusting.
When I became pregnant with Grace, it was unplanned. I was not excited. After all, I was on birth control. It wasn’t supposed to happen. My friends in the clinic said I “had options.” However, there were no options for me. I was going to have a baby, planned or unplanned, money or no money.
When I look back, I am so happy I didn’t listen to those “friends.” I don’t know how I could live without my daughter. She means everything to me, but as I say that, I realize that I am living without two of my other children. What a selfish life I have lived.
After giving birth to Grace, I immediately had a Mirena IUD inserted. Why not? We inserted them on women every day. They seemed harmless. Everyone was getting one. I should get one too. I didn’t know how harmful that little piece of plastic would be. I know now.
Four years later and my uterus is still empty. Now, it’s not by choice, but because of my choices. It’s because of the time when I was’nt open to life. Back when I thought children were a burden. When I thought having too many children would be a hassle. When I thought we wouldn’t have enough money to have more children.
All of these excuses have led to my daughter growing up as an only child. At this point in my life, I’m not able to have children. I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. After all, I got pregnant with two children that I disposed of like trash.
Now, at a time when I want to have children, now open to life, I am unable to. What a horrible irony, but one that, in all honesty, I deserve.
I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life regarding motherhood. I do know that my husband and I are going to adopt children from the foster care system. Maybe that was His plan all along. We never know what God has in store for our lives, but I am thankful for the life that I have now. I am thankful for my husband and my daughter.
I have confidence that one day I will get to see my children again, even if just for a brief moment. I know they are with Christ. He created them, he saved them from me.
It is beautiful to know that God has forgiven me, even for something so terrible. When I made the decision to start healing from my abortions, I knew I had to make a decision. I could either live in the past or live for right now.
One of my daughter’s favorite movies is “Kung Fu Panda.” In the movie, there is a wise old turtle that says something that has always stuck with me, I know, wisdom from a cartoon. He says something like, “Today is called the present because it is a gift.” I really believe that.
I sincerely think that evil lives in our past and in our future, the two places we cannot control. God doesn’t worry about those two periods of time. He wants us to wake up every day and live for Him, moment by moment, day by day. I trust in that. I trust in God’s plan for my life.
I don’t know if I will have any more children of my own. I don’t pray for children, I only pray for God’s will to be done.
Julie Culshaw says
Thank you Abby for sharing this. As painful as it must be, it is loving of you to share your sorrow and regret with us. God bless you, He is going to use you for his purposes, I will continue to pray for you daily.
Hi Abby,Once again I felt compelled to respond to your post. Your writings have touched me to my core because I am able to relate to you in such shameful way. Like you, I had 2 abortions; first was surgical, second was the abortion pill. All of those questions you asked yourself, I did too (and still do, sometimes). I’m sure you’ve heard of a ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard. If you have not already attended one of these retreats, I’d like to gracoiusly extend an invitation to you. On my own retreat many of my questions were answered and peace and hope was finally found. I now have 2 beautiful children and am ALWAYS reminded of the two that I will never be able to raise. I lost out on that amazing opportunity and blessing that, back then, I didn’t understand. But I think of them often, pray to them, and ask them to pray for me. Thank you, again, for sharing your heart with the world and for personally having an effect on my life. Your faith is so strong and so admirable.
This post just makes me wish more young girls knew more about the option of adoption. There are so many people who want a child really bad, but can’t get pregnant. And there are so many people who don’t want a child but are pregnant. It is so out of balance, but adoption is such a good alternative to abortion. If abortion providers really cared about girls, they would advocate adoption.
Abby, I said a prayer for you and I will continue to pray for you and I am sure God’s will be done! We are with you!
Abby, this really really touched my heart. I have a 4 year old boy who was also unplanned. I am glad I was educated about abortion as a child so that it was never an “option” for me and I have my precious boy today. However, I also want more children and my uterus is also empty. My husband will not allow us to get pregnant and uses barrier birth control because I refuse to take the dangerous pill. I know what its like to long for more children and not know if you will ever get to experience that again. God heard Hannah’s prayer. I will pray for you by name. I will plead for both of us… may God satisfy the longings of our hearts. Its really tough. I know a little of how you feel. I am your age, we still have time. God may still say yes and fill our wombs with life once more.
Oh, Abby…I’m so sorry. I’ve never had an abortion, but I do know the pain of not being able to have children, and it’s so, so hard. I’m so happy you’re going to adopt through the foster system! I’m praying for you and your family.
Brice Griffin says
Your children are in Heaven praying and waiting for you. God has given us the amazing sacrament of Confession, and when I confessed my abortion to my priest (heaving with sobs), he smiled and said, “you’re here. The sin is forgiven.” And then told me about Rachel’s Vineyard. For over a year I told myself I didn’t need to attend a retreat because I was getting stronger through my pro-life work. Well, the circumstances finally came together and I found myself in the middle of nowhere, Georgia, with a group of men and women who were also suffering from abortion. It was such a life-changing experience, and I honestly believe that the greater the sin, the greater the longing to come back to God and show our love for him. Not that I would wish the experience on anyone else, but I am so much closer to our Lord now than I ever was before.
I know you’ll never forget those two children–and you shouldn’t!!–but you will surely be reunited with them in Heaven. God bless you and all three of your children! XO
Heidi Montgomery says
Abby, the questions you have about your first abortion, I can so relate with. I was 18 when I had my abortion. I’m 30 now. I remember very little. I tried to get my records but it was to late, they were destroyed. I know it’s probably God’s way of protecting me. But I feel like as a mother, you should know these things. It was easy for me too. How could having an abortion be easy? I knew better. Growing up my mom always wore her feet pins. How could I be so cruel, stupid, lost, not regretful for so long,…I know I’m forgiven but I still live with my “Choice” everyday. I hate that word “Choice”. Where was my baby’s “Choice” in my abortion? Thanks for sharing. Can’t wait to meet you in Columbus.
I just found your website and thank God for the work he is doing in you and trough you…
Abby, Thank you for posting all of this. I want you to know that you comforted me as a mother would at the Fort Worth 40 Days for Life opening Rally. I will never forget that you put your arms around me and spoke sorrowful murmurings and I wept out the fact that I had a past involving 3 abortions and 1 ectopic pregnancy. It is 8 years since I was touched and made right with God, and 1 year since my Rachel’s Vinyard Retreat. My grief is overwhelming at times, but you have made my journey more bearable as you speak out in honesty and love……..
Tiffany S says
I have never had an abortion. Both of my children were planned and wanted. This was not difficult for me. However, I have friends who have had an abortion and I have friends who cannot conceive. Watching one side dispose of life when the other side craves it is horrifying and emotionally gut wrenching. In addition, being there for my friends who have killed their child and are suffering deep regret due to their choice is something I wish every woman who even considers abortion could see. Both of these sides have the power to change minds, hearts and lives. Abortion hurts more than just the innoncent baby. Much like a murder hurts the families and friends of the person taken from their life. Thank you for sharing your story in unPlanned. It was eye opening, emotional and one that will change the lives of others. I appreciate your courage, to admit you were wrong and to hold your chin up high and fight for Life.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, Abby, hearing you talk last Friday, reading your book, and now your blog…you know how to speak from the heart and to the heart! God spared me the pain of abortion in my past — because I was suffering from infertility and my doctors never knew — and when I married, they didn’t even bother to check for it before they sent me to an IVF clinic, another place where babies are murdered and put at risk DAILY. They lied to me and my husband because they wanted the IVF fees ($40 grand). Fortunately I had two cousins who were similarly lied to, and one was blessed with three children after much prayer and starting the adoption process. My husband and I followed suit, we prayed — and the next month one of our magazines arrived with a short article on Dr. Thomas Hilgers in Omaha, a Catholic prolife doctor who has found ways to identify and cure many health problems that cause infertility. Four months later, I had learned to chart my cycle, was examined, tested and became pregnant after only one cycle of treatment! I know God will come through for you again Abby whether leading to you & Doug to precious adopted child(ren), to more precious babies of your own – or both! God is so good! Bless you Abby! Keep doing what you’re doing! You’re bringing us all to God with your testimony!
We will hold our babies in heaven for eternity, Abby.
Your courage is breathtaking. Thank you for letting God use you as His instrument.
Theresa Albert says
Abby,God has seen ur efforts and he knows best. We all make mistakes in life and we learn from it. Ur kids are safe with God and God in his love has forgiven you with your pro-life work…. Extend my love to Grace and let her know she is not alone,love u…
Second Chances says
Abby,Like you I suffered from secondary infertility. And, like Nora who commented earlier, we found healing through the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha, NE. Please feel free to contact me if you’re interested in more information on this wonderful resource for infertile couples. I have links on my website. Thank you so much for all you do for life!
Nancy (abster) says
Abbs, sometimes you might have to put all this pro-life work aside for a season and rest in Jesus’ saving grace. He came for us Abbs. Read the gospels –how Jesus delt with sinners and how he delt with the righteous pharasee’s. Abby, he did not come for the righteous or the ones who didn’t need a doctor — he came for us Abby.
Abby the pro-life movement deeply triggers me. I know Norma (roe vs. wade) felt like it was just a heavy heavy sacrifice and had to commit to laying it aside. (Jesus is enough – his sacrifice – she felt the guilt of sin and surrendered it at the foot of the cross).
Remember Jesus paid the atonement and the price. Rest with your hubby and your daughter, and be thankful for the NEW life in christ with them.
Abby I have sons (was the first one I aborted at 15yrs of age a girl?) Abbs run to the cross – rest my sweets. He came for us. He came for us. And yes, Abby you deserve to embrace those ones in heaven for all of eternity. Abby I know we hardly know one-another, but dam it girl…I so love ya.
I got of off facebook because of triggers. Let Jesus be your guide, he uses girls like us – with freedom in Him. Just keep loving your family – thats displaying Pro-God!! Life!
My heart breaks for you, Abby, and yet I’m happy for you too, that you recognize God’s healing power and grace. May you be blessed for sharing this, I’m sure it wasn’t an easy story to tell. May God continue to use you in bringing His truth to all who are lost and are in need of His love and forgiveness. And may your story help countless others who are faced with the same decisions you had to face in your past. God bless!
Ina Bach says
Thank you for your brave fight for the unborn children and their mothers. God bless you. Hugs from Ina in Austria
Our GOD is GOOD and merciful to us – poor sinners. Thank you Abby for sharing your experiences. I, too have had an abortion 40 years ago in a backyard operation and sadly saw the dead baby as it came away about two months later in hospital as I “miscarried”. I then realised how foolish I had been as I gazed at my poor baby having died of the poison that was inserted in me. I sobbed bitter tears over his lifeless body and still do today as I look at my 4 beautiful children and my 11 grandchildren that our wondrous Saviour has endowed me with despite my great sin. I do believe that I shall embrace him one day as I shall beg him,too, for forgiveness for depriving him of life on earth. Yes, great peace was experienced after my Confession to Our God through His priest. I would advise all who have gone down this tragic road to follow Abby’s example and speak out against this horrendous human tragedy….How our LORD must be weeping over HIS creation. Let us do so before many more fall into Satans wicked trap..that is presented in an attractive way as “family planning” by the world.
Not a Perfect Mom says
two children that I disposed of like trash…that sentence will haunt me…
I am so very sorry for your pain, we almost aborted our youngest at the recommendation of our doctor after confirming Down Syndrome…and though we didn’t the guilt of almost stays with me.
Oh Abby I’m so sorry about your pain, but I’m glad we have you to fight for the babies.