My friends give me a hard time because I can’t ever just be still. I am always multi-tasking. I have become really good at it.
If I am driving, I am talking on the phone or putting on make-up or both. If I am watching television, I am on the computer. If I am working a crossword puzzle, I am listening to music on my iPod. I just can’t stop. It’s like my mind has to be in overload all of the time.
I hate going to movie theaters. Two hours of sitting still drives me insane. The only time I seem to be able to settle my brain is when I am reading, and for me to really concentrate on the book, it has to be really good. All of my friends and family tell me that I am addicted to my Blackberry, “Crackberry,”and it’s true, I am.
I always feel like I need to be connected. I just can’t shut the world out. I can’t shut my mind off. I try to go to Adoration and I am absolutely miserable. I can’t spend more than 15 minutes in silent prayer. That’s pretty pathetic, right?
When I’m there, I start watching everyone else in the chapel. What are they praying about? How they can sit and be so still for so long? What are they doing after this? Have I seen them at Mass before? I mean, it is terrible! I guess I have always been that way.
If I think about it though, my multi-tasking has worsened since leaving Planned Parenthood. It’s probably partly because my life has become busier than it was before, even though I didn’t think it was possible. But, yes, it is also probably because if I don’t have a lot on my mind, my thoughts wander back to my days at Planned Parenthood.
Quite honestly, I try to think of my time there as little as possible. Even when I don’t want to think about it, I find it difficult to shut it out of my mind completely.
I love the nights when I have dreamless sleep. Those nights don’t come very often. I used to dream about silly things such as going on vacations, inanimate objects that would come to life, replay scenes from when I was younger, etc. I would welcome dreams like that.
There is nothing silly about my dreams anymore. Now, when I dream, I dream about my time at Planned Parenthood. I dream about the things I witnessed there, the things I said, the things I heard. I dream about former co-workers nearly every night.
There are times where my dreams aren’t too stressful. I might be back working at the clinic; in these dreams, I am working there but really struggling because I am pro-life, but working in an abortion clinic. Sometimes, I dream about being back in court and watching my friends testify against me. In these dreams, sometimes, I get to actually take the stand and testify against Planned Parenthood. Those dreams become very emotional.
Then there are others. Many that I wouldn’t even be able to speak about to the general public. They are so disgustingly graphic and horrifying. When I wake up from those dreams, I can’t even believe that my brain produced such a thing. Sometimes I have dreams where I am working in the POC lab and we are short twenty five cents.
We all start frantically looking for that quarter. I look over to my left and there is the bucket of “POC” or baby parts that we have disposed of throughout the day and wonder if maybe the quarter got dropped in the bucket. Then, I am told to start searching in the bucket.
I keep digging through these babies to find the missing quarter. That seems totally bizarre and disgusting, right? Trust me, that’s mild. Sometimes I dream about baby parts being placed in the offering plate at church.
I know there are psychological explanations for all of my dreams. It makes sense that I would dream about searching for money in a bucket of baby parts since Planned Parenthood is making money off the killing of these children.
It makes sense that I would dream about baby parts being in the church offering plate because I’m always talking about churches not taking a stand against abortion, but these dreams aren’t normal for most people. Most people don’t dream about aborted babies, but some of us do.
I remember when I first left Planned Parenthood, I dreaded sleep. I would feel more exhausted after waking up because my dreams were so terrifying. It felt like I had been racing around all night during my sleep. Eventually, it became better and I was able to deal with the dreams more effectively, and they did lessen somewhat.
I knew anxiety would be something I would have to endure. I didn’t know how I would react when I saw people I used to work with or how would they react to me. What if I saw a client? What if I saw a client that I had coerced into an abortion? What would she say to me? What would I say to her?
All of these things were constantly racing through my mind until, eventually, I was faced with all of those scenarios. I have been faced with many of my former co-workers, sometimes when I am sidewalk counseling, other times when I’m out in public places.
I simply greet them like we are still friends. After all, my problem is not with them. I have seen women that were frequent clients of Planned Parenthood. All of them were aware that I left because they saw my commercial on television. It was great to see them again. I don’t know why I was anxious about that at all.
And, yes, I have seen women that I coerced into abortions. I didn’t know how I would face them. I wasn’t sure if I had the courage, but in the end, I knew they deserved it. Even if they wanted to slap my face or scream at me for what I had done to them, they deserved that chance. However, that never happened.
I simply looked at them and said that “I was wrong and I’m so sorry.” It was better than I ever expected. Now, I’m not worried about who I will encounter. I know that whomever or whatever it is, God is in control, He allows whatever is going to happen. He has been in control since the day I walked out of Planned Parenthood.
Some of you may be reading these posts and say to yourself, ‘that girl needs healing!’ But, trust me, I am doing great. I don’t need any more healing than I am already receiving, and yes, I am in good hands.
When you walk away from such a horrible sin, there is no escaping it. You want to avoid it and you try to, but it just tags along. Yes, those of us who have worked in the abortion industry are forgiven, if we ask. And I have, as much as I am able to, forgiven myself.
However, I won’t ever let myself off the hook entirely. I can’t. I can’t just allow myself to go on with life and act like I wasn’t responsible for taking so many lives. Maybe that’s why the dreams are there, so I won’t forget.
No matter the reason, I am thankful for these visions in my sleep. Yes, it would be nice to have a few additional nights of dreamless sleep every month, but I am not complaining. I wake up from these dreams reminded of the second chance I have been given.
I wake up and immediately say a prayer for my former co-workers, who are always in my dreams, when I dream. I wake up thankful that I am no longer bound by evil. Many would think these are nightmares. I think that, in part, God is using these images and scenes as a tool to keep me close to Him, so I will never forget what I left, and how amazingly blessed I am.
Praise be to God for the reminder.
Hi Abby: I check in every once in a while… Please know, I was one of those women who was coerced (not by you) and thankfully I was able to recognize my vulnerable state and deny Satan. I still see the doctor who encouraged abortion for my child. I get sick… But if he were to apologize and be it known he was wrong – what a healing I would have! If he’d only say my baby was worth living….
I want to thank you – from the bottom of my heart – for taking this stand on behalf of all who had and have no voice. I pray for your mission and am so very, very thankful for people like you. Would love to have you speak in our area! Minnesota is cold and far from you 🙂
Much Prayers!
April
Thank you so much, April. And, I will be in Minnesota this week actually! You can check my calendar and see where I will be. I would love to meet you and give you a hug! 🙂
Be still and know that God is God and may he bless you my friend.
I hate to be a preachy McPreach a lot, but Abby!! What are you doing talking on the phone and doing makeup driving!? So dangerous! 🙂 The world needs you too much to lose you to a car accident over something so foolish!
I pray that your words reach the many that need to hear them and that they are received with open hearts and minds.
My husband is going to LOVE your comment!! 🙂
Do you think it’s what is meant by “God’s justice”? I know he forgives all in his great mercy, but I too suffer from the consequences of previous sins and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Yes, God will always forgive, but we can’t escape the choices we make. God’s laws are for our good, because he loves us. He forgives us if we sin, but we still suffer from the results of sin whether physically or psychologically or both. So I suppose then the next step is to offer that suffering back up to God in atonement for our sins.
It is evident that God is working in your life. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and He will keep doing His work too.
Abby,It brings me such great joy to hear you talk about going to Adoration and to Mass! Welcome home to Rome 🙂
As far as concentrating in prayer… start small. Start with five minutes of silence. Then maybe pray a rosary or divine mercy chaplet (or even the Stations of the Cross… then you’re moving as well 🙂 ) Slowly grow to more time silence before Our Lord. Find a spiritual director or confessor you can talk to about some of these things. These things have helped me so much in my walk with Christ.
In Him.
Dear Abby:You are such an inspiration! I have nearly completed reading your book, which brought me to tears last night. Your bravery and love of God is so uplifting. I pray that many more will see your story and be as moved as I was. You are in my prayers and I thank God for your presence in the Pro Life movement.
with my deepest gratitude,
Stephanie Newcombe
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. I am so grateful for your conversion and pro-life work. Your book really helped me to also focus prayers on the abortion providers.
Periodic fasting from “electronics” has really helped me grow closer to God. It might be just be a few minutes at first, but you can build on that. Our prayers are so much more powerful if we incorporate some kind of fasting with them. It can also help you to be less attached to the world so you can grow closer to God…will keep you in my prayers 🙂
Abby
I’m so bummed! I live in MN and yet I won’t be able to see you! Don’t worry, it’s slowly warming up here, though nothing like in TX.
Just finished reading your book-wow! It brought me to tears! I was so excited to read the outcome that of course, I had to skip to the end. (But then I read the middle part.)
Don’t worry too much about your restless spirit. God is your Father and Fathers always know how to take care of their children.
If you find it difficult to pray in Adoration, just simply pray about that to Jesus. He will appreciate your efforts and bless you for that, and you will advance from there.
“God does not judge us by our success but by our efforts.”–said by pretty much all the saints.
God bless you for your courage and your honesty. You are a blessing to so many. Praying for you Abby!
Hi Abby- I pray for your continued healing and strength. May God continue to use you for all the good you are providing to the pro-life cause. I also can’t believe the church isn’t doing more, as well as our elected government officials. So many people are suffering and more will until we all wake up as a human race…God has to be so disappointed in us…we have a long way to go. This “silent holocaust” needs to be stopped, so God Bless you for not keeping it silent.
I have dreams of aborted babies all the time as well, I think it is Gods reminder to keep praying, keep speaking up and keep reaching out…I have been experiencing silent rejection from people in my bible study group, they all bring up their prayer requests for their uncles, cousins, wife’s grandmas dog and give praise reports for finding their missing hair brush yet when I mention ANYTHING about Standupgirl.com , pro-life apologetics, prayer for a girl considering abortion, even prayer for safe travels to the ORTL conference where I met you, you can hear a pin drop, I am growing so weary and I have been in emotional turmoil and my dreams have been so intense lately, I am desperately trying to educate those around me and share these important live saving tactics and they just zone me out…it hurts and it is a shame that believers in Christ have more to say about the weather than saving lives….The rejection you have faced is currently giving me strength and I am so thankful to have you as a valuable resource…The harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few, this is true in regards to the Gospel but ALSO for waking up the BELIEVERS to pro-life issues…not many of us are willing to loose it all to spread the truth! <3
Dear Abby,
I am astounded by your dreams. How awful to carry this burden. But then, united to Jesus’ great Passion – how much they can do to heal our world of their abortions.
Try writing down your dreams when you awake in you private journal and see how healing that can be, the insights that can come to you that way. Thank God He is by your side at all times, take His Hand. I give you mine.
Amazing attitude! It is fun to see God working in you, thank you for sharing this.
I’ve never worked in a clinic before, but even the pictures can give me similar dreams. I often wonder why my brain comes up with the scenarios that it does. I’ll work on applying your attitude next time 🙂